It is estimated over 25% of adults sleep in separate rooms or separate beds from their intimate partner, and 31% would like to trial a sleep divorce but are too hesitant to ask and would rather forsake their sleep health. Could that be you?
What is a sleep divorce?
A “sleep divorce” refers to a situation where partners in a romantic relationship choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. This concept is not new, nor is it a fleeting fad. It has been around for ages. I even remember visiting my grandparents as a young child and realising they slept in separate rooms. My grandmother always said it was because my grandfather snored too loudly. This concept has gained popularity as we have become more aware of the importance of sleep health and an increased focus on wellbeing.
A sleep divorce recognises that sleeping together doesn’t save a relationship any more than sleeping apart does. What it does do is help ensure that both of you are well rested when you wake each day so that you can listen to each other and respond to each other’s needs. Taking this perspective may save your relationship if your inability to sleep well at night has made you less tolerant of each other.
Choosing to embark on a sleep divorce is a personal choice, and what works for one couple may not work for another.
7 Reasons to consider a sleep divorce
- If you sleep better on your own
- Mismatched sleep-wake cycles due to work commitments
- Naturally occurring night owl vs lark
- Different sleep preferences for example, room temperature; bedding; and amount of noise or light for optimal sleep
- If one of you is a restless sleeper and moves around a lot which disturbs the other person Opportunity to miss your partner and long for the morning to see them again when you’re both refreshed
- If one of you is a noisy sleeper and keeps the other person awake
- If one of you is a light sleeper and is frequently woken by the other person
7 reasons why adults in an intimate relationship might desist a sleep divorce
1. Sense of failure in an intimate relationship
Choosing to sleep apart could be construed as a sign that there are bigger issues or problems in the relationship. This is untrue. Agreeing to a sleep divorce shows real care for the both of you as relationships can become strained if one or both of you is under slept. My thoughts are that if you cannot openly discuss and collaborate with your intimate partner about how both of you can achieve a restorative night’s sleep, then that is a bigger issue.
2. Social stigma
To the uneducated, sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms can be mistaken for marital problems or a lack of intimacy. However, some people can sleep in the same bed for years and experience no intimacy! It is normal to fear judgement from others yet how many of us tell our friends what is really going on our intimate relationship, and why do they need to know about your sleeping arrangements? If you feel the need to discuss your sleeping arrangements with friends, you have a bigger issue that is going unaddressed.
3. Cultural norms
Cultural norms and expectations regarding sleeping arrangements in a relationship can play a role. In some cultures, the idea of sleeping separately may be less accepted, making people reluctant to go against these norms. However, living with someone who isn’t getting enough sleep is harder over the long term than having to deal with cultural norms that don’t support healthy sleep arrangements.
4. Fear of emotional distancing
Partners may worry that physical separation during sleep could lead to emotional distance. They may fear that spending less time physically close to each other might negatively impact their emotional connection and intimacy. Emotional connection and intimacy are maintained through open and honest conversation and a willingness to be vulnerable; neither of which require you to be in bed to achieve.
5. Communication concerns
Some people may be concerned that sleeping separately could hinder communication or create a barrier to resolving issues effectively. The concern could be that the physical distance may translate into emotional distance and hinder open communication. An awareness of this is important to ensure as a couple, you are providing alternative opportunities to communicate openly with each other.
6. Perceived impact on intimacy
Intimacy is not only about physical closeness but also about emotional closeness. Some people fear that sleeping separately may impact the overall intimacy in the relationship, both physically and emotionally. This doesn’t have to be the case provided you are conscious of creating other opportunities for emotional and physical closeness before heading to your separate bedrooms.
7. Unfamiliar with alternatives
Couples may want to explore alternative solutions to address sleep-related issues prior to settling on complete physical separation to sleep. For example, you could first consider using a larger bed, or exploring other sleep hygiene practices.
If you are considering raising the idea of a sleep divorce, you will need to be prepared to openly discuss your concerns, explore alternative solutions, and seek professional support if needed, such as consulting with a couple’s counsellor or sleep specialist. Ultimately, the goal is to find a solution that promotes healthy sleep for both of you and maintains a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
You could even consider sleeping apart during the week and then together over the weekend.
While these objections may feel valid in response to the request for a sleep divorce, if you are truly committed to your partner’s sleep wellbeing then you can mitigate against these concerns work arounds. They just may take a bit of getting used to!
If you are wanting to have a conversation with your sleep partner about a sleep divorce and not sure how to go about it, book a confidential call with me and we can explore together how you can plan your conversation and transform your sleep experience.
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